The Murtaugh List

I've been watching ‘How I met your mother’ obsessively lately, and I must say this show has given me plenty of food for thought! I have already proceeded with downloading Barney Stinson's ‘Bro Code’ app on my phone (there is a ‘Chick Code’ as well, but it is incredibly lame, and let’s face it, I’m awesome), but I must say, the part that really caught my attention was Ted’s Murtaugh list. Named after lieutenant Roger Murtaugh from Lethal weapon who coined the phrase ‘I’m too old for this shit’, it’s basically a list of things one should never do once they reach a certain age. This list is subject to constant change, as you discover you cannot pull of things you were able to pull off before as time goes by.

You know the expression: That’s the worst idea ever, let’s do it! I used to consider myself the poster child for it, but I’m slowly leaving my early twenties behind, and although in theory I would love to still do some of the things I used to do not long ago,  I always seem to hit a mental and physical blockade.

So, in honor of the show that I'm addicted to lately, here is my Murtaugh list. Hopefully, if it’s out there, written down, I’ll be more inclined to follow it.

I’m too old for the following:

Calling a skanky b*tch a skanky b*tch in public (I will really miss this one!)

Going out more than two nights in a row

Going to bed without taking my makeup off

Sleeping in a tent (I don’t care how adventurous it is, the first and last time I did it I was almost eaten by dogs and almost got swept away by floods)

Dating anyone younger than me – no exceptions Flavia!!

Considering chips as a substitute for bread

Considering Coke as a substitute for water

Not applying sun screen because you think that’s for sissies

Piercing any part of my body

Wearing ‘I heart boys/cats/my girls/partying/dancing etc’ t-shirts. I mean come on!

Stalking people on any type of social network. I really am too awesome for this.

Taking people who confuse Bucharest with Budapest and Romania with Bulgaria seriously

Listening to empowering girl songs – ew ew ew
Going to a rave party, or anything that resembles a rave

Taking the stairs instead of the elevator because ‘exercise is good’. Go f*ck yourselves!

Watching videos of snakes, centipedes, tarantulas, alligators, piranhas and sharks and thinking they are totally awesome! What, don’t you judge me!

Watching the Gilmore Girls – it’s cute, I really do like it, but high school is over.

-TO BE CONTINUED-

Getting to know the code

It’s difficult enough to live in a world full of standards, where being completely honest is not only frowned upon, but also dangerous, where the way you say something is more important than what you say, where you have to know “the code” if you don’t want to end up on either of the two sides: the victim or the jerk.

If you don’t know what the code is, and you should, I think learning through examples is always efficient. And since everybody tends to make lists in tens, here are 10 rules that go in the code.

1. Do not call/text him or her before noon or after 9 p.m. If you call too early, you translate as a stage five clinger, and if you call too late, you are lonely and friendless. So keep it short and sweet, and during normal hours. On this note, if they never text you or call you during the day, and it takes more than the normal amount of time for them to reply, they are either completely uninterested or already involved with someone else. Get to know the code!

2. If they always invite themselves to your place but never propose to meet at their place or in public, they are, again, involved, or they think you are fugly and you qualify as an option for belligerently drunk nights only. Get to know the code!

3. If guys are more into their dancing than you – no, they’re not necessarily gay –they are the people most consumed by self love, and if you go for them you’ll end up naked and frustrated 5 minutes from the time you walk through the door. Get to know the code!

4. GUYS! Please pay attention, and I know it is difficult to do so, because you consider that as far as sex is concerned you are the ultimate masters of the universe. There’s no need to put it into words if someone has done it much better already, so please bear through this video:

5. Let’s talk a little more, boys. If you ask if it was good, be prepared to be beautifully lied to. I am one of the fortunate few that don’t need to do it, but GIRLS FAKE IT ALL THE TIME (note the intentional caps lock please.) If you still believe that you “can tell” if a girl fakes it, you must truly be morons. Because you cannot, there’s no way. This is not Oscar worthy acting that we have to do, it’s only a few moans and shakes, so get over yourselves. Just be grateful the girl cares enough about your feelings to lie and empower you a little. Ever thought of how you would react if you wouldn’t get the answer you were expecting Skippy? Get to know the code!

6. If he/she is the first one to arrive at a party, the last one to leave or worse, both, then that person will most likely be down with anyone. Some call this type unbiased, I like to call these people desperately needy. Get to know the code!

7. If the person even vaguely mentions love, commitment or their mother during the first 3 dates, run! Crazy person/stalker alert! Get to know the code!

8. If your musical tastes are completely different, and I’m talking the closest you get is when one listens to Slipknot and the other to Miley Cyrus, call it quits. It doesn’t matter that you both want to save dolphins and love backpacking through the mountains. If you don’t like the same type of music, you don’t stand a chance! Get to know the code!

9. People who don’t mind sharing their food are better at maintaining a healthy relationship. Note: Don’t ever fucking touch my food, or you might end up missing a limb or two! Get to know the code!

10. The most beautiful and amazing dating advice comes from a movie: So trust me when I say if a guy is treating you like he doesn't give a shit, he genuinely doesn't give a shit. No exceptions. 

But for real now, stranger, GET TO KNOW THE CODE!

Later edit: Andreea told me that, although she knows this  code exists, she is against it because she thinks people should just be honest. As much as I would love to agree, picture this conversation between a guy and a girl:

Girl: Hello average looking guy who wears a tad too much cologne and whose shoes I disapprove of, you can go ahead and make a move at me because I am indeed desperate tonight!

Guy: Hello big breasted chick, my name is not important and I would like to bump nasties with you, leave when we're done and never have to see you ever again. What do you say>

If you have nothing good to say about something shut up!

I am Romanian and I get offended when people mock my country! Yes, I take it personally, yes I get upset, yes I think less of you and yes I feel like punching you in the face every time you do that! I need to have this written down somewhere so that people realize it, because I think that many people I know really don't! If they don't start their mocking with "no offense" they most definitely end with "hahaha, I joke". However, it's most of the times an offense and it's rarely a joke. When did people develop such a stupid sense of humor? Cause yes, I admit Romania is much poorer than Western European countries. But how on Earth is it socially acceptable to laugh about a country being poor. What is funny about that? What is funny about villages with no electricity? What is funny about shitty roads and poor people? What is funny about people leaving their families to come to work for almost nothing just to be able to send that nothing home and feed their babies? Let me tell you what! NOTHING! Then why mentioning it? Why saying it to me? That is what truly bugs me! When you say a joke, you say it to an audience! If it's only funny for yourself say it in your mind, you don't need to hear yourself saying it to laugh. Or if you think others might find it funny say it when I am not there!

And it's not the fact that they think it, I really couldn't care less what they think about my country, it's the fact that they say it! To me! In my face! How insensitive can you be? Why would you ever think I would be ok with that? Have I ever given you a reason to assume that I think it is fine for you to make fun of my country in front of me? Especially when you really have never set foot there thus you have no clue about it! And even more, especially since you def do not give a dime on it! Most of the times these jokes are made by people that really don't care about the country, don't know anything about it and don't want to know. I could call these people ignorant, but I will not since I like to look at myself first and I know that I don't know anything about Nicaragua for example and most probably I will never go online to check things out. Because this is how life is, you can't know everything about every country and you can't be interested in everything. So, I should not be offended if others don't care or know stuff about Romania. And I am not! But do I meet a Nicaraguan guy/girl and start making fun of their country? NO! Because it's not fair to make fun of things you don't give a shit about but the one in front of you does!

I love debates, I could talk (let's be honest now, scream rather than talk) pro or against something for hours and I love people that like to do that as well! I could have a debate on Romania with anyone anytime! But I can't stand people that say something derogatory about Romania, laugh it out and move on! And it's not because they don't say the truth! That is the saddest part! Because let's be honest most of the times they are right! YES, YOU ARE RIGHT! BUT I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT FROM YOU!!! I know it as well! And as opposed to you I CARE! I CARE for every Romanian that goes to Italy and steals because I am associated with him even if I never met him in my life and even if I personally would never do it. I care for every road that is shitty in Romania because I am the one that has to drive a whole day for 500 km! I care because my family lives there and has to deal with stuff there everyday! I care because I know that if my grandfather didn't have enough money to treat his cancer outside Romania he most probably wouldn't still be alive! I care because I had to leave my family and friends to study and work at a level I had no chance to do back home! I care because I see my sister going to an exam knowing that no matter how much she studied for it, some professors can fail her anytime if he/she doesn't like her face or she didn't give him/her money! SO FOR ME, THIS IS NOT A JOKE! THIS IS NOT EVEN REMOTELY FUNNY! This is just reminding me about the problems that Romania has that convinced me to leave the country and be here to listen to a stupid ass like you! And that is really depressing!

So know that next time you want to make a joke about Romania in front of me and ZIP IT!

P.S. Next thing I will do right now is read on Wikipedia about Nicaragua :)